Beware...Kind of a Rant

[.:.Gambler.:.]

Flighty once asked, what do you do when a horse dies. And I think I responded.

Well, now I've got my own dilemma, a battle of conscience and heart.

My boyfriend and I have a strange relationship, but we love each other. He has had a...less than perfect life. But, that's not the point of this. He knows what it is like to lose a best friend, as one of his friends committed suicide a few years ago (hence my character Lynna and Des...me trying to cope with him being upset by the anniversary of it.)

Still, not the point.

So, he has a friend, who is a hair dresser, that lost their daughter two years ago. Accident. He calls her mom, and I've taken up calling her a variation of it too. But, there's a snag in what I thought was us getting closer...me pushing away.

Because you see, I was over there two weeks ago, and she was telling me about her dog. Now, this dog...I knew he had bad hips, but I didn't realize how bad his other problems were. So, anyway, we were petting on him, and we realized his lymph nodes were huge. Which, in that age of a dog, generally means...lymphoma. And. I never had found a problem with a friends dog that was basically a death sentence. There's a first time for everything...

So, I didn't actually say "cancer" when I felt them. I said "severe internal infection." Well, two days later, she texted me while I was at work, and she said that he was starting to breath bad. So, she brought him to work that evening, and my boss listened to him...and said his lungs were starting to fill with fluid. They wanted to try to get him through the holidays, so we gave him some antibiotics, steroids, and pain medications.

The next day, she called me at 8:30 in the morning. He was having a grand mal seizure. Having seizures wasn't new for him, but he had never had one that bad. She lives forty minutes away from me, so I got there as fast as I could. By the time I got there, they'd decided...it was time to put him down.

So...I put the catheter in, and we put him down. And in the back of my mind, I keep hearing a voice scream, "YOU JUST KILLED YOUR FRIEND'S DOG!" Granted, they were upset, but they don't blame me. I did the best I could, and they know that. They didn't have a lot of money to spend on him...we did what we could with what money they had.

And, I guess part of why I'm in a fog is I had to take him to the crematorium today. (And I think the ibuprofen I took for a headache had something to do with it...and driving through the fog with one headlight...)

I mean...what do I do? I feel bad "becoming part of the family" for killing her dog. I should've done more. I should've made them go to the vet sooner.

And...to top it off...

I know Pepper is going to die soon. He's about 14 years old; most dogs his breed are lucky to hit 12. He's got two fake knees and laryngeal paralysis, so he has trouble breathing. And, I want it to be like in the movies where they just...don't wake up some morning...but I know that's probably not going to happen with him. It is going to be some horrible middle of the night lar par attack where he is gasping for air to the point that his eyes are bugging out of his head, and he's staring up at me begging me to help him...and I'm not going to be able to do anything. We even have an oxygen tank for him...but...I'm just really scared.

I lost my cat I guess about four years ago, he had gotten hit by a car. We'd only had him for about four years. I had some big test that week, so I held it in...and then at 3 o'clock in the morning that Saturday I broke out into sobs and sat in the living room. I woke the whole family up.

And, there was a pony I fell in love with in 5th grade. I rode her for about a year. I had moved onto a different horse by then, but she was still by baby. I was there when she colicked. I was the one who walked her around while they threw the trailer together. I sobbed as she started getting driven away, but they told me it would be okay, and I went off to play. Mom came found me about two hours later...they'd put her down. They'd gotten to the vet, her eyes were rolling around in her head and she was trembling.
I'm still not over it.

My therapist (yes I have one) asked me how I was okay with the death. I'm a vet tech; that's part of it, we put the suffering animals at peace. But still. I honestly don't know. The question just buzzes in my head. How do I do it? Am I heartless, is that why I lash out at my friends? But then...why am I so upset by the prospect of Pepper dying? Why am I suddenly afraid that I'm going to wake up one morning to find everyone dead? Does anyone else worry about these things, or is it just me?

I just...don't get what to do.

[.๑whovian๑.]

First of all, *Hugs*

Second of all, I'm sorry about the other day, we both have different experiences, and different opinions, so there was really no point in me arguing with you about that video, but anyways, that's the least of our troubles at the moment.

Death is an unusual thing. To be honest, I've always been slightly....well.....odd about death. What I mean by that, is I get a weird feeling, and something dies. I know it's going to happen, I can predict it. Not always, but it's happened. I never know whose animals, or exactly what kind, but I get this strange feeling and then three or four days later the animal dies.

I'm afraid I cannot help you with the boyfriend situation, because though I enjoy pointing out cute guys in movies, I have never had a boyfriend. However, the dog incident is something else. Things like that happen, and you cannot carry those regrets and guilt along with you forever. Maybe you should have told them to get the dog to the vet sooner, but what happened happened, and it was not your fault. I don't know much about the illness the dog had, but it sounds like it wouldn't have made a difference. The dog was ready to die, and there wasn't anything you could do about it. It's very sad, and tragic, and a really tough situation to go through, but you've got to believe that it wasn't your fault. You have to make peace with yourself. Whether you need to sob your eyes out on somebody's shoulder, or sit in your room with the lights off for an hour, or whatever, just convince yourself that, because it is true. It's not your fault.

As for Pepper, rather than worrying about the day he is going to die, focus on the life he has. Yes, he probably will die soon, but love him all the more. It's hard to live in the future sometimes, so sometimes living in the moment is the best thing you can do. :)

And finally, the horse that died. I know exactly how you feel. We were taking care of our friends horse while she was on vacation, and her old thoroughbred gelding came up with colic one evening. We went out to the barn, and the stall divider had been destroyed because he had been rolling. We found him lying in the field, cut up and lathered in sweat. We alternated walking him around while my parents called the vet. I swear he would have been screaming. My parents made me go home and go to bed while they stayed up all night with the horse, and I came back in the morning. By that time, the horse was practically dead on his feet. The vet decided to put him down, so we lead him outside, and didn't even lay him down. I felt the ground shake as he hit it....it's a feeling I'll never forget.

So basically, crazy, bad shit happens in life. People, horses, dogs, everything dies, and there is nothing you can do about it. The only thing we can do is carry on, and cherish all the wonderful memories, and find new wonderful things in life. Death is probably one of the hardest things to deal with, as it is so beyond our understanding. But we have to move on. I'm not saying get over it - I will never get over the death of my beloved cat Pluto three years ago. I still cry about it sometimes.

I hope that helps Khan.

<3 <3

HUG.